


Somebody Once Told Me

by birds89birds



Series: Shitty vs Cinema [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I spent way too long on this, Multi, Texting, That's it, and shitty being vulgar, groupchat, i crave death, i know the summary is ominous but really it's supposed to be funny i swear, i'm sorry i legit forgot the frogs existed, it's only teen bc swearing, no angst bc i Ain't For That Life, ransom goes into shock at one point tho so do be warned, shitty explains the entire plot of the first shrek, that's the entire fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22232248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: Jack could not have ever made a bigger mistake
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Shitty Knight & Jack Zimmermann
Series: Shitty vs Cinema [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648816
Comments: 10
Kudos: 119
Collections: OMGCP Hockey But Fashion Discord, omg stream! please Fics





	Somebody Once Told Me

**Author's Note:**

> this is best read on a phone.
> 
> warning for shrek spoilers
> 
> this is unbeta'd tell me if there are mistakes.

**Shitty**

>Have i ever told you the only   
thing that could ever top your   
beautiful hockey ass is Shrek himself?

>Bc brah that shit’s a fucking work of art

>Who is shrek?

>JACK

>JACK

>YOU DID NOT

~~_**~~~~~~** _ ~~

**The Group Chat**

_Shitty_

>Guess what I learned today?

>My best friend

>The man I trust with my fucking life

>Jack Zimmermann

>Does not know who Shrek is

>WHAT SHREK IS

>I have never felt so alone in my life

_Holster_

>25 YEARS ON THIS EARTH AND YOU  
DONT KNOW WHO SHREK IS

_Eric Bittle_

>O.o

>What is shrek?

_Shitty_

>Shrek is a movie. It is a state of being.  
It is the meaning to life. He is God

_Holster_

>A CLASSIC

_Shitty_

>The movie is artfully done despite  
failing the Bechdel test

>Granted it’s from 2001

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh honey

_Lardo_

>lmaooooooo

_Shitty_

>So this movie starts with Shrek, an   
asshole ogre who is more reclusive   
and territorial than you as a frog living   
his life to the tune of one of the best   
fucking songs ever

_Lardo_

>[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_jWHffIx5E ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_jWHffIx5E)

_Holster_

>I AM SHOCKED

>GOBSMACKED

_Shitty_

>This short little fuckwad farquaad   
wants to be a king or some shit like   
that, so he threatens a mirror into   
telling him about princesses so he can   
be king and shit bc he has to have a wife to be   
king? and shit and it’s basically the   
bachelor but fairy tales

_Holster_

>This is a finable offense

>I haven’t lived in the haus in 2 years.

>I shouldn’t be fined for this.

_Shitty_

>And then he chooses the one chick   
who isn't from a recognizable fairy tale because she's an   
original character or whatever

_Holster_

>In the Haus or not you still need to pay up

_Shitty_

>Princess Fiona

>And then he decides not to fucking   
save her, and instead make some   
rando knight do the dirty work   
because he's a piece of shit

>And he hates magic? and fairy tales?   
idk brah its weird

>Are you explaining the entire plot to me?

_Lardo_

>just let him do this

_Shitty_

>yes because i know you jack you’re   
never gonna watch it

>And to drive this “i’m an asshole”   
thing home fuckwad exiles all of the   
fairy tale creatures to Shrek’s swamp,   
where this talking donkey named   
donkey tells shrek how to get to   
farquaad’s castle so he can ask them   
to get the fuck off his lawn. So Shrek   
goes and they have a bit of a bonding   
moment but when they get to   
farquaad’s place donkey is annoying   
and shrek becomes a Grade A   
asshole

>Eventually they get to fuckwad’s   
castle and instead of dealing with the   
fact he took a bunch of innocent   
people and dumped them on a  
random guy’s lawn he decides to sic   
the knights who were competing to   
get the princess or some shit on him.

>Shrek beats them all because he is   
Shrek and it is a children’s movie.

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh my lord :0

_Holster_

>guys i think ransom’s in shock

>You’re really doing this to me?

_Shitty_

>YOU’RE DOING THIS TO ME.

_Holster_

>he feels cold and looks ashy and he   
isn’t checking his phone or talking to   
me

_Shitty_

>So fuckwad in his infinite wisdom   
decides who better to send to get the   
princess than the winner of the   
tournament! The ogre he was trying to   
get killed no more than 2 minutes   
movie-time ago!

>Shrek agrees on the condition that   
he’ll get the “squatters” the fuck out of   
his swamp.

_Lardo_

>shitty is currently high jack and you   
have incurred his stoner wrath

_Shitty_

>Lards you know i am brah

>So Shrek goes to the tower guarded   
by the dragon where the princess is   
held and like scares the shit out of   
donkey and they’re friends and so shit   
happens and shrek gets the very   
unwilling princess fiona and then after   
a running montage somehow in the   
mess donkey SEDUCES THE   
FUCKING DRAGON

_Lardo_

>he’s typing these up on microsoft   
word and emailing the paragraphs to   
himself

>instead of fucking

>𝓾𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓸𝓸𝓰𝓵𝓮 𝓭𝓸𝓬𝓼   
𝓪𝓹𝓹 𝓲 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓱𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓼 𝓸𝓷 𝓱𝓲𝓼   
𝓹𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓮

>or typing them on the message app   
like a normal person

_Shitty_

>google docs on mobile sucks brah

>i'll only use it out of desperation

>So like fiona is disappointed when her   
savior is a different fucking species   
from her and she wants fuckwad to   
come meet her but Shrek knows he   
won’t come and instead drags her   
back to fuckwad’s place.

>On the way back Shrek vents to   
donkey how annoyed he is with how   
society judges his appearance. Fiona   
overhears and because she isn’t an   
asshole she decides to be nicer to   
Shrek.

_Holster_

>hey i really don’t think ransom is ok   
he’s not being a coral reef he’s just   
cold

>he’s still breathing though

_Shitty_

>They encounter some asshole robin   
hood but not like cool “stealing from   
the rich” robin hood, asshole robin   
hood. He attacks and some shit and   
fiona reveals she’s a fucking martial   
arts master and kicks their asses

_Holster_

>guys seriously help

>lardo shitty please

_Lardo_

>the strong female representation we need

_Shitty_

>brah totally

>Anyway they begin to learn that they  
actually have a lot in common and fall  
in love because heteronormativity but  
still all-around good movie. This entire   
time fiona hides away at night, which  
is suspicious. One night when they’re  
nearly to fuckwad’s place fiona goes  
into a windmill and there are strange  
noises so donkey goes to investigate

>turns out fiona’s a fucking OGRESS at  
night which fuck yeah

>totally vibing with an unconventional  
heroine

>Wait, what?

_Shitty_

>ik brah it's fucking wild

>She says she was cursed as a child to  
transform into an ogress every night,  
and that true love’s kiss will change   
her into “love’s true form”

>She calls herself an ugly beast and  
shrek only overhears that so then you  
got your interpersonal angst

>Because he thinks she was referring  
to him

_Holster_

>ransom’s not ok i wrapped him in  
blankets and he’s still really cold

>he’s not a coral reef i think he’s  
in shock

>I’m on a roadie I can’t help can  
someone help Ransom?

_Eric Bittle_

>I’d come to help but it’s late and I have  
a roadie early tomorrow

>Shitty you live there why aren’t you  
helping?

_Shitty_

>HE WAS ABOUT TO CONFESS HIS  
FEELINGS FOR HER IT WAS A REALLY  
SAD MOMENT

>So then donkey like the absolute bro  
he is tells fiona to go tell shrek about  
her to go tell shrek about  
her curse, she agrees, but then shrek  
is really cold to her (for obvious  
reasons) and brings fuckwad to the windmill

_Eric Bittle_

>This is the really sad part :’(

>Of course you use emoji for this Bits

_Shitty_

>it’s a very emotional thing brah leave  
him be

>So fuckwad comes and asks for  
fiona’s hand in marriage and she says  
yes bc she’s confused and hurt by  
shrek’s sudden meanness. Shrek is  
angry so he goes back to his empty  
swamp, abandoning donkey. 

>Donkey gets pissed bc his friend just  
fucking abandoned him so he takes  
the fucking initiative like a fucking  
boss and goes to the swamp to  
confront shrek, who is still upset.  
Donkey says that when fiona was  
talking about ugly beast she was not  
talking about him, but someone else,  
and shrek and donkey become BFFs again.

>in a way shrek and doneky’s  
relationship is like me and you

>i clung to you like a newborn to a  
nipple and you eventually decided you  
kinda liked having me around

>Bold of you to assume I like having  
you around.

_Shitty_

>you know you love me

>I’ve been caught.

_Eric Bittle_

>good thing i am not the jealous type

🤦♂️

_Shitty_

>don’t worry bitty i love you too

_Eric Bittle_

>😘❤️😘❤️

_Shitty_

>Ok so then donkey like the beautiful  
motherfucker he is convinces shrek to  
confess his feelings for fiona before  
she is married and they go to  
fuckwad’s place riding donkey’s  
dragon girlfriend.

>Because donkey has a dragon  
girlfriend

_Lardo_

>they have children in the second  
movie it’s fucking weird

_Shitty_

>So shrek crashes the wedding before  
fuckwad can kiss fiona, shrek tells  
fiona that fuckwad doesn’t love her  
and only wants to marry her to be  
king bc fuckwad’s a dickwipe and  
everyone knows it.

>THEN THE SUN FUCKING SETS

>Fiona turns into an ogress bc that’s  
what she’s supposed to do. Fuckwad  
is really pissed and orders shrek to be  
executed and fiona to be detained

>bc short people’s anger is concentrated

_Eric Bittle_

Hey >:(

_Shitty_

>Then Dragon (donkey’s girlfriend) and  
donkey bust in and dragon eats  
fuckwad. Shrek and fiona FINALLY  
confess their love and kiss and fiona’s  
curse is lifted.

>PLOT TWIST fiona’s still an ogre

>Fiona’s sad bc she was supposed to  
be beautiful and shrek says she’s  
already beautiful and then it cuts to  
them getting married and leaving for   
their honeymoon

>it’s a beautiful movie

>really

>i cried at the end

_Lardo_

>shitty you cry at the end of every

movie

_Shitty_

>WELL THESE WERE BIG TEARS

>So you’re done?

_Shitty_

>for now, yes.

>Thank god.

>Please go check on Ransom now

_Shitty_

>wait what?

>OH FUCK

>SORRY JACKABELLE IT’S HOSPITAL

HOURS

_Eric Bittle_

>wait WHAT

>SHITTY

_Eric Bittle_

>SHITTY WHAT IS HAPPENING

_~~**~~~~~~** ~~ _

**Eric Bittle**

>jack do you know if ransom is ok

>I’m trying to talk to Shitty right now

~~_**~~~~~~** _ ~~

**Shitty**

>Shitty

>Shitty.

>SHITTY

>Bits is really worried, is Ransom OK?

>sorry i didn’t see your texts i was  
with r+h and lards

>yeah brah he’s totally fine he’s just  
getting treated for minor shock he’ll  
be fine soon

>at the hospital right now

>Do you know why he went into shock?

>yeah bc you didn’t know who shrek  
was

>SERIOUSLY???

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fanfic ever so please be nice. or not.
> 
> my tumblr for check please shit is https://omgcphivemind.tumblr.com/
> 
> THIS IS NOW A SERIES WHAT THE FUCK


End file.
